There is no
“moving on” nor “letting go”
(June 4, 2023)
Losing someone you truly
loved through death, or a break-up is highly traumatic to say the least. The
pain that we feel is unimaginable. Only those who have gone through similar
loss can understand what we are experiencing.
At times of painful
loss, good-natured friends and family members will encourage us to “let go” and
“move on” to attain healing from the hurtful experience.
But really, is it
possible to “let go”?
Is it indeed achievable
to “move on”?
I am reminded of the
Five Stages of Grief as proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. The five
stages are: stages
of grief - Search (bing.com)
- Denial: Refusing to
accept the reality of the loss.
-
Anger: Feeling angry at
the situation, oneself, or others
-
Bargaining: Trying to
negotiate a way out of the loss or its consequences.
-
Depression: Feeling sad,
hopeless, or guilty about the loss.
-
Acceptance: Coming to
terms with the loss and moving on.
One does not go through
the stages successively. Rather, depending on one’s personal disposition and
personal capability and character, the stages may be experienced in different
orders; with some might skip stages; or, revisit them after having passed
through it.
But I do not wish to
discuss those stages in an academic fashion here. I only mentioned them in the
hope of understanding one basic principle I always adhere to, that is, we are
unique individuals. With different sets of values and principles shaped by the
various experiences that we have which are all different, some may say similar
but still, time and space when those experiences occurred define the uniqueness
of our individual experience. And that uniqueness affects how we deal with our
own experience of loss.
To “let go” is defined
as “to stop physically holding on to someone or something.”
The “loss” is already a
letting go experience because with the loss comes the absence of physical
presence or proximity, non-availability. How can you tell me to let go if I
already lost my loved one then? Physically, there is already an absence, even a
void left by the “going away” through death or breakage in a loving
relationship. That reality is not very easy to accept and difficult to
understand. But the fact that I cannot do anything anymore about the permanent physical
departure of a loved one is already an act of “letting go”. Especially if the
physical togetherness had been for years, letting go will take time. For
someone who has loved most and true, separation and distance are anathema. Our
friends’ well-intentioned advice to let go is welcomed and appreciated. Just do
not rush the grieving person. In time, healing will be achieved.
“Moving on” is getting
back into a healthy routine, like everything is back to normal as in “business
as usual”. If this definition speaks about being one’s usual bubbly self, or
going back to one’s regular ways as before, then there is no such thing as
moving on.
How can you go back to
the “normal, healthy, regular” routine when an essential participant to that
routine is gone forever? Is grieving over the loss not a “healthy routine”?
What can be healthier in a routine than going through the stages of grief in
your own personal way as an integral part of the healing process?
Healing takes time.
Healing even takes new and extra energy. Healing takes a lot of understanding,
acceptance, courage, faith, hope, and more.
Healing over the loss of
a loved one can also be mysterious and mystical. Sometimes healing comes at a
very surprising time, in a transcendental way. It may come in manner that no
human explanation is enough to comprehend. Healing comes by the grace of God.
So “let go” and “move on”
as ordinarily used to encourage and uplift a person’s depressive situation are
still acts that deserve gratitude. But remember that more than words of
support, acts of charity or acts of love are more important to the grieving
heart.
Be present. Respect the
process. Journey with the person.
Always be a friend with
a listening heart.
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